It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Really written. At least that’s what it feels like to me. Almost like I’ve forgotten how to blog. I mean blogging like it used to be. Sitting down and sharing snippets of my life. I miss it.
This year has been hard for me. And for no particular reason. It just has been. It has been one of those times when you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself, but you don’t know where to look to find it, the missing piece.
Slowly, the last month or so, maybe the last few weeks, I feel like I’m coming back to who I am. I’m asking myself questions and searching for answers and I’ve noticed a blockage inside of me that has made it impossible to feel like the real me again. Writing has always helped with that. But whatever the blockage was stopped the writing.
At the beginning of the year I talked about doubling down on love. About tearing down walls and opening myself up to the world. I did a really good job of that. The problem was that I thought I had built a wall. What I had really built was a dam. When you tear down a dam, you cause a flood.
So maybe I haven’t been blocked. Maybe I’ve been underwater. I needed a life raft. I think I finally found one. I talked to friends about what was happening. I quit denying what was going on inside of me. I asked for help. And I may not have had a life raft, but pretty much everyone I know threw me a life preserver. I grabbed on.
And I realize that whole analogy just made it seem a lot worse than it was. I was never at risk. I never wanted to do anything bad to myself. I was just adrift. Now, I’m slowly coming back to land. I think.
But I think I may have forgotten how to blog. How to tell stories about my life. But I’m going to try. I’ve committed to blog every day this month. Will I? I don’t know. But it is something I’ve told myself I will do. An intention. A way to navigate the flood waters. So that’s what I’m doing today, November 1st. Blogging. Like the very first time I ever sat down at my computer, clueless about what blogging was or how to do it. I’m starting over. From the beginning.