March

March is heavy. It settles into my chest like a weight. The grey skies echo the sadness that fills me. Cold wind blows sharp from the north, stinging my skin, and leaving an excuse for the tears that burn my eyes.

March is not a lion. It is a wraith that stirs whirlwinds of memory and pain. It wages war on my carefully put together facade, laying waste to everything I’ve built, and taking back all the ground I’ve won in the last year.

March is lies. With flower beds and greening trees, then blasts of cold fury that steal your breath. It is a promise of new, but holds so much old. The days slide by like a countdown.

1. 2. 3. 4… 19. 20. 21. 22.

There is no wire to cut to stop the bomb. Year after year. You know it is coming. The explosion is inevitable. All you can do is wait.

Twelve years. The pain feels like it has been one day.

***

This post was written for Just Write as a way to release some of the pain from grief that always finds its way back to my side during March.

Comments

  1. I don’t have anything wise or comforting to say – but I want you to know that I’m reading and that I’m thinking of you. xox
    Kerstin recently posted…Goodbye, GerdiMy Profile

  2. All I can offer is the understanding that you (and your dad) are in my thoughts this month. xoxo
    angela recently posted…Inside the writing processMy Profile

  3. I just hope that as the month goes by, your pain eases. xo
    Alison recently posted…It’s Not A Disorder, Is It?My Profile

  4. Thinking of you, lovely Jennifer. You express your grief so well, which doesn’t lessen it per sé, but allows us – your friends – in. xo
    Lady Jennie recently posted…Gluten-Free, Low Carb Onion RingsMy Profile

  5. Oh, Jennifer. We can hold each other up at the end of the month. Thinking of you.

  6. Jennifer,

    I’m keeping you in my thoughts and I know you’re not a hugger but I wish I could give you one right now. I’m only a phone call away if you ever want to chat.

    Sending love and light your way.
    xo
    erin margolin recently posted…A Lady in France : A ReviewMy Profile

  7. We got you. March can suck it.
    Arnebya recently posted…#AskAwayFriday 2My Profile

  8. August is that way to me. Hugs.
    Katie Sluiter recently posted…TV Junkies Meet NetflixMy Profile

  9. Thinking about you.
    Poppy recently posted…Milking the Man ColdMy Profile

  10. Big, huge bear hugs. I am thinking of you!!
    Kristin Shaw recently posted…I SurrenderMy Profile

  11. I am thinking of you, Jennifer.
    Kim recently posted…To The RescueMy Profile

  12. It’s a long, weird month for everyone, but it seems to have a special pain in your heart.
    Wishing you the best March can bring you. This is a beautiful post, and I know it’s sad.
    My father and grandfather passed away on the same day – July 2nd – and even that light of summer can be difficult for me.
    Tamara recently posted…Adele Dazeem, Or In Other Words, Happy Blogiversary!My Profile

  13. I have always loved March because it is the month of my birthday. I would always see the kites on calendars in school and think “Yay, that is the month when my birthday comes!” It is interesting to me how different one can feel about a certain time of the year and for good reason. I wish you could feel the fondness for it that I do but of course, you cannot. All I can do is wrap my arms around you to protect you from the cold… <3
    Elaine A. recently posted…So, I can say I’ve done it…My Profile

  14. Hugs.
    Kmama recently posted…TYVM: 3/3/14My Profile

  15. I know how an anniversary can spoil a whole month. We dread its arrival some years, and then others it creeps up and we don’t even realize why we are out of sorts. You are not alone in this. It doesn’t make it easier, but please know that so many are thinking of you and lifting you up in our hearts and prayers.
    Andrea recently posted…Shot DownMy Profile