Dear Skye (aka Wanting),
I haven’t been in your situation, but I did go through seven years of infertility struggles. I know the burning ache that is caused from longing for a child. I can’t imagine the feeling is much different whether that ache is caused by infertility or by being in your situation. Want is want.
I don’t know your husbands reasons for not wanting another child so I can’t say whether they are reasonable or not. I also don’t know if you previously discussed the number of children you would have or if this was a recent decision. For those considering getting married, I definitely recommend having this conversation early to be sure that you’re on the same page. Regardless of the reasonableness of his reasons or your agreement with them, your desire for a child isn’t likely to change.
Which leaves us with figuring out “how to shake if off and be happier”. First, I’m not sure it is possible to “shake off” a want like this. It is what it is. I would recommend examining your reasons for wanting another child. Is there something you feel like you’re missing? Did you always yearn for a daughter? Did you grow up with the idea of two kids and a picket fence? Or is it just that your heart is wanting another baby? Whatever the reason, I think it is important to examine the why of it. That can help you understand it and accept it.
Next I would tell you to grieve your loss. Did you “lose” a baby? No. But you have lost the opportunity to have the baby you want, and that’s a big deal. Telling yourself to get over it and move on isn’t going to help you deal with the emotions of not getting what you want. Address the grief. Mourn for the child you’ll never have. Be sad, angry, or frustrated about it. None of those things are wrong. Emotions are not “bad”, and it is important to feel all the feels. Covering them up leads you to nothing but regret and bitterness. I know. I’m an expert at both of those things.
If the baby cravings are driving you crazy, borrow a friend or relative’s baby. Sometimes, for me, just holding and smelling a new baby helps with those desires. It isn’t always the need to have another little one running around as it is the urge to feel that new life full of hope and rejoice in all that means. Plus, you get all the fun parts like rocking and cooing and singing, without the staying up all night, sore boobs, and barfing for nine months. Also, new parents can always use an extra hand.
Speaking of no sleep and pregnancy woes, it may help to focus on all of the fun things you can do with an older child like
sleeping in on the weekends going to the park, watching a movie, taking a mini-road trip, riding a roller coaster, decorating for the holidays together, sharing something you both love like Star Wars, finding a new hobby together, playing catch, not changing diapers, etc. There are a lot of things you can do with big kids that having a baby would put a stop to.
If all of that fails to help, table the discussion and consider revisiting it in a year or two. I don’t know your age, but I had my babies at 33 and 36 and women are having children into their 40s now. Sure, there would be an age gap between your children, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There is a seven year age difference between my brother and I, which I thought/think is awesome. And you never know what changes could come in your personal lives that would make it possible for you to have another child later.
In the end, you can always look forward to grandchildren. According to my mom, grandchildren are about a million times better than children of your own. One day you’ll have another little baby to rock, snuggle, and sing to even if it isn’t one that you are financially responsible for.
Lastly, big, BIG hugs for you. I can promise you that you are not the only woman in this situation. I have two friends that I can think of off the top of my head that would love to have another child, but it isn’t in the cards for them. That may not help much, but at least you can know that you are not alone.
Hoping this helps,
Advise This is a real life advice column that I started at the encouragement of a few friends. Read more to find out what it is all about. If you have a problem or situation where you’d like a little guidance or an independent opinion about something going on in your life, leave me a comment or send me an email. All questions will be kept anonymous unless you specify otherwise. Don’t want me to know that it’s YOU asking the question. Set up a generic email address with Yahoo or Gmail and ask away.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or professional advice giver. All thoughts and opinions are my own and should only be considered anecdotal. Any physical or mental harm that comes from taking my advice is on you.