Cady climbed in the car, and I listened for the reassuring click of the seat belt that told me she was safe.
“Momma… I have something to tell you.”
I let out a sigh as I looked into the rearview mirror to see the SeriousSad expression she wears when someone has hurt her feelings.
“What happened?”
“I was playing on the tire swing at school, and one of my friends from dance came over with another girl. They asked if they could swing with me, and I said yes. Then they started whispering and laughed and ran away. I know they were talking about me.”
I took a deep breath to clear my head so I could think of something to say. This is not new for us. Cady has had her share of mean girl issues. She has come a long way, but still has a lot to learn.
“Are you sure they were talking about you? They could have been whispering about anything.” I knew she was right, but in my heart I wanted her to be wrong.
“Yeah mom. I could tell.”
And she is right. You can tell when someone is talking about you, and at eight the girls have not learned to do it behind your back so that you do not notice.
“I’m sorry that happened to you, but you know what they said is not really important. Right?”
“I guess.”
That’s the thing isn’t it? We know in our minds that it isn’t important, but sometimes it is hard to convince our heart of that truth. That is where us mommas come in. It is our job to teach our daughters and sons that they are worth so much more than other people think, and sometimes, more than they themselves even realize.
When I got a chance to stop, I looked at her so that she could see the honesty and love in my eyes. “Baby Girl, I love you, and what I want you to know more than anything is that no one can steal your worth unless you allow it.”
She nods to show she is listening, but I know it has not settled into the most important part of her yet. I know with time and repetition it will. I hope.
Teaching our children self worth is so important. Here are three things we do:
1) Tell them. How will our children know their value if we don’t tell them. I do not mean that we should create entitled children, but we need to teach our kids they are worth something. That their dreams and abilities have value. So many people will be around to tell them this is not true. We need to be there to tell them it is.
2) Teach them. We need to teach our children that what they feel about themselves is more important than what others think, and that someone can only make them feel inferior if they allow it. This is a hard lesson to learn, but if we are consistent with our message they will get it.
3) Show them. I think the most important rule for parents is to teach by example. We have to model the traits we want them to learn. That means that we can not base our worth on the opinions of others. We have to tell ourselves that no one can make us feel less than unless we allow it.
How do you teach self worth to you children?
Where are those little bitches? I want to shank them.
Well there’s that too.
That “I guess” just kills me. When I hear it I hear “I know you want me to say yes but I don’t really believe it.” So I am empowered by your idea that they don’t believe it YET and that we can help.
Yes, the “I guess” kills me too because I so bad want her to KNOW it.
You are so right. Repetition. I know it took a long time to understand these lessons myself and how much I want to spare both my daughters the pain before they know, too.
Exactly. I just want to spare her the pain.
I have a hard time with B with this. He talks down on himself a lot and I just try to do the same things you said. And I’m sure I’ll experience it with K all too soon… great post, my dear!
I definitely don’t think this is just an issue for girls. I just haven’t experienced it with James yet. I’m holding out hope that one of my kids will escape it.
I think #3 is one of the most important but the hardest at the same time.
I agree. The easy part is telling them how awesome they are. Believing that we are awesome too? That’s a little harder.
I worry about this and my daughter’s only 19 months old! I know, I need to chill out. But I worry about it with my son, too…he’s four and will sometimes tell me that so-and-so doesn’t like him or called him stupid. We’ve been telling him it doesn’t matter what other people say and that they’re wrong. At this age, he still believes me when I tell him someone else is wrong…I hope he will keep that trait.
Oh yes. It is so awesome when they still believe everything you say.
I have spent so much time stressing over whether my children have friends, are good friends, and have the right friends. I have also spent what seems like a lifetimes obsessing over whether or not my children truly have the self-esteem and confidence that they need to navigate not even through life, but just through high school.
So far so good. My children are confident. They are very confident. I have no idea where it comes from – this super confidence and the fact that they don’t let other people’s opinions define them.
And from your story I really feel like Cady is developing a confidence to walk away and not let the mean girls effect her long term. Yes I think she feels bad, but I didn’t hear you say that she overcompensated in some other way. A lot of times children at this age who are victims of the mean girls either tell on the girls in some way or display some sort of attention getting behavior (usually behavior that sets them up as being odd or annoying) and then you have the endless cycle of the mean girls making fun of them for whatever behavior they displayed to overcompensate. Does that make any sense??? It’s not a theory based on any sort of advanced behavior theory, just my observations from spending the last 20 years with large groups of children.
What I am trying to say is that I think you and Cady are doing a good job, Momma.
You’re right. I didn’t think of it at the time, but her reaction was less emotional and she got over it quicker this time than she did in the past.
Wonderful post,a nd I loved your response to her.
Thank you.
This is really a hard one. We try to really put an importance on how we treat people and to be careful with their feelings. Raising kind people is very important to me. The world needs more kind people.
Yes. I don’t ever want my kids to be on the other side of this equation.
Mean girls come from mean mommas. I truly believe that. I have yet to meet a mean girl who didn’t have a directly (or, sometimes worse), an indirectly mean mother. I’m glad Cady talked to you and I’m glad you are reinforcing something that she will need forever: self worth. Also, like TKW said, where are those bitches?
I can’t disagree with this either.
I love this post so much. I can’t stand the girl drama and the fact that there is no way we can protect our girls from it forever. I think you are doing such an amazing thing for your daughter and the strength you instill in her will carry her for years to come. What a lucky girl.
Thanks Jessica. It hurts a million times more when it is happening to one of our kids than when it happened to us. I wish we could just give them the knowledge without them having to learn the lesson.