Like most moms, before I became a parent I had read all types of parenting tips, and I knew exactly what type of mom I was going to be. I knew I would breastfeed for sure. Then I had a baby that refused. I knew I would never, ever co-sleep. Then I had a baby that would not sleep without being next to me. And of course I would never, ever, never tell my kids to “shut up.” (*ahem*)
Cue to present day Jennifer with two kids aged eight and almost five. My plans have not managed to stand up to the bickering, noise, whining, and a limited amount of patience. You can often find me not only saying, “shut up” but yelling it with the hopes of being heard above the bedlam.
I try to justify my use of the phrase. I mean it isn’t really that bad, and that works, until I hear the same words being said by one child to the other. Ouch. Also there is the fact that I would never say that phrase to anyone else. So why say it to my kids (man, self examination sucks)?
Empowering Parents offered this:
Parents tell kids to shut up for a variety of reasons. But ultimately, it’s to exert their control over the conversation. Sometimes they want backtalk to stop, sometimes they want complaining to stop, and sometimes they’re just tired of listening to their child. No matter what the context, saying “Shut up” is rarely helpful and never appropriate.
Still, I had to know just how bad it was, and what should I do to stop it. I decided to go to one of my favorite resources for parenting tips, Dr. Deborah Gilboa (@AskDocG), to find out.
Yeah… That’s pretty much what I thought. We do have the rule that some words are for grown ups, but really, is this a phrase that I ever want my kids to say? Not really. I would not want them to say it to me, I do NOT want them to say it to each other, and I for sure do not want them to say it to anyone else.
I think one of the best parenting tips is to model the behavior you want your kids to follow. I haven’t been doing that when it comes to saying “shut up.” Going forward I’m going to be more conscientious of when I say it, what is going on, and how I feel when it slips (or thunders) out of my mouth. Hopefully then I’ll be able to turn it around to something more positive.
What about you? Do you ever tell your kids to “shut up”?
You can find Dr. G on her blog where she answers parents’ questions, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and pretty much all over the web. Be sure to check her out. She has some really great, practical parenting tips available.
I think I have said it once or twice, like you said, just hollering it over the mayhem of my three. But it’s been a while and I do NOT like those words at all and I have totally shut it (no pun intended) down when I’ve heard it from my own kids’ mouths! It’s just not nice. We say, “be quite” or “close your mouth”. You know, in a nice way.
Great tips From Dr. G!
I’ve probably said it more than once or twice… a week. Normally it is when we are in the car and they are SO loud and there’s traffic and it is the end of the day and I’m tired and I’m ready to drive off a bridge if they just don’t, well, shut up.
UGH! I said it over the weekend. I was on an important phone call with an insurance company and the kids wouldn’t be quiet. I felt terrible after I said it and I apologized.
THANK YOU!!!! I was beginning to think I was the only one. I don’t say it all the time, but it does slide out every now and again.
I don’t say it and I make the kids apologize if I hear them saying it to each other. That is not to say that SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTTHEFUCKUP does not blare in my head REPEATEDLY.) And actually, let me amend that “I don’t say it.” I don’t say it “regularly.” I have slipped a few times and tried to justify it to myself but my previous browbeating about not saying it had actually made it into their minds so it was hurtful when I said it. Their faces visibly fell like I’d hit them. So, I try to be conscious of it, but I may have also said it in jest to my husband.
That brings up an interesting point. We’ve never told them it is “bad” thing to say so, as far as I know, there is no more of a more of a negative connotation with them than when I say, “be quiet.” But still, it isn’t something I want them going around saying to other people.
And I totally picked that photo because I thought she looks like you. Except you are prettier. Well, like that one time I saw you at BlogHer at a distance.
And now I’m giggling because that’s EXACTLY what I thought when I opened it: she should’ve asked me to be her model (but then I forgot to type it because my mind only goes so far.)
I am guilty of saying “SHUT UP” and there have even been times when I do not feel the least bit bad about it. Now that I have a nearly 20 year old and a 16 year old, I have also been known to scream “SHUT THE FUCK UP” over and over because my kids are strong willed and independent and have been raised to be heard. Sadly, they think I should hear them too, even when I don’t want too. For the most part, my kids are great and I feel like I’ve done a good job parenting them, but then just when I think things are going well, a war starts and in order to win, I raise my voice with nasty words. I’m not perfect and hell I don’t even try to be. I just want to survive the teenage years, is that too much to ask for???
I don’t think so. Some days I just want to survive the the drive home.
Ugh. I’ve come VERY close before, and I may have let it slip. And I’m like Arnebya…I say it loudly in my head. I don’t want my kids to say it to anyone, so I really try not to. A loud “BE QUIET!” usually works pretty well….as much as anything would, anyway.
Oh I say it in my head way more than I ever say it out loud. I’ve been thinking all day and the place I say it most is in the car, and that is actually where I got the idea to ask Deborah this question. At least I know where I need to work on losing my patience.
Honestly, if all kids just came with mute buttons, parenting would be soooo much easier!!
Now you’re talking.
Question: My friend and I were talking about this today. What is the main difference between “be quiet” and “shut up”? Is it just a societal difference? They mean the same thing.
It’s cultural. In Israel, for example, where my husband is from, saying “shut up” by kids or adults is not really remarkable.
Okay so I hate “shut-up” and don’t say it with my kids. My husband sees no problem and says it to them all the time. In fact I was on the phone with him today as we were driving to two different places and he said it to my son which made my blood boil and I just had to get off the phone with him.
To me “shut-up” means I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I don’t think what you are saying is important – especially with the whole tone thing going on.
If you say “I just need you to be quiet for a minute” or “please stop talking for two minutes so I can think” it means just that I just need to think and I can’t think with all that noise. Or even now sometimes with my teen I need to say “You need to stop talking for just a minute and LISTEN to me.”
Now that being said I don’t think that most parents say “shut-up” to mean the first one, I think most parents say “shut-up”, but mean the second. And I totally think my husband meant the second one while he was on the phone with me this afternoon, but it still made me crazy.
There is something about the words and the tone that they are said that always make me cringe and if said to me totally shuts me down. And I never want to shut down my kids.
So just my two cents. And no you are not alone I hear parents (in my own house) say it all the time! Good discussion and it really made me think about why I dislike that phrase so much.
I do think this is cultural. I’ve always meant as, “please stop talking for two minutes so I can think,” and I guess that’s why I was curious as to why some people think it is so bad. I also agree it is all about the tone. I don’t think it is the words you use, but the meaning behind them.
I love that Dr G. We never *tell* our kids to shut up, but if we use it in passing in conversation or in a joking manner, they are QUICK to tell us “We don’t say shut up!”
I’m sure I’ve let this slip – it’s something that wants to come out when I’m angry. But yeah, I don’t let him say it so I have to try not to either.