I have had the draft of this post up all day waiting for inspiration to strike. When I got the idea for this post I thought it would pour from my heart through to my fingers and onto the screen with little effort. Boy was I wrong. I’ve just been waiting for the right words, which is ironic considering what the post is about.
At the beginning of the year I picked control to be my word of the year. For me, that word is all about taking control of myself and acting on things instead of only dreaming about them. Two appointments ago my therapist asked how that was going.
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking a lot.”
“Is something holding you back?”
Yeah. Me. Duh. That’s the whole reason I picked the word. Of course then she wanted to know HOW I was holding myself back. Therapists never let you off easy, just fyi.
I explained I have this voice in my head. It is constantly telling me that I can’t do it, whatever “it” may be. This inner voice is such a bitch. I try so, SO hard not to listen to her, but she is constantly there poking and prodding and pointing out my every weakness. And y’all, she knows them all.
“Have you asked her why she talks to you that way?”
“…. No. Wouldn’t talking to the voices in my head mean I’m crazy?”
She assured me that it did not. She said most people have a committee inside their head, and that I am perfectly normal. Then she said something completely profound, “Mean people are hurting. You need to find out what is hurting her.”
I have carried that statement around with me since that appointment a month ago. It did not take long for that nasty bitch to rear her ugly head, but this time when she did I was prepared, “Why? Why do you talk to me this way? Why do you discourage me? Why are you hurting?”
She paused. I could feel myself take a mental step back. “I’m not hurting. I’m scared.”
“Of what? What could scare you so much that you would be so mean and discouraging to me, to us?”
That was when I started to cry because I realized it is so, so true. I am so afraid of failing, of not being what I think everyone wants or expects me to be, that I have held myself back from following my dreams.
That bitch and I are coming to terms with one another. She throws out something nasty, and I counter with, “I love you anyway.” When she cries out that she’s scared, I say, “I’ll hold your hand.” When she is worried that we will fail, I respond, “That’s okay. We’ll try again.”
I’m hoping that one day there will be a truce between the two of us, ALL of us. The planner, the worker, the mother, the dreamer, and the bitch. They all make up the committee of me.
I would like to say that I have all the answers. That I know where her fear of failure comes from, but I don’t… not yet. But I do know this, I will not give up on her. Me. I will not give up on me.