I have had the draft of this post up all day waiting for inspiration to strike. When I got the idea for this post I thought it would pour from my heart through to my fingers and onto the screen with little effort. Boy was I wrong. I’ve just been waiting for the right words, which is ironic considering what the post is about.
At the beginning of the year I picked control to be my word of the year. For me, that word is all about taking control of myself and acting on things instead of only dreaming about them. Two appointments ago my therapist asked how that was going.
“Pretty good.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking a lot.”
“Is something holding you back?”
Yeah. Me. Duh. That’s the whole reason I picked the word. Of course then she wanted to know HOW I was holding myself back. Therapists never let you off easy, just fyi.
I explained I have this voice in my head. It is constantly telling me that I can’t do it, whatever “it” may be. This inner voice is such a bitch. I try so, SO hard not to listen to her, but she is constantly there poking and prodding and pointing out my every weakness. And y’all, she knows them all.
“Have you asked her why she talks to you that way?”
“…. No. Wouldn’t talking to the voices in my head mean I’m crazy?”
She assured me that it did not. She said most people have a committee inside their head, and that I am perfectly normal. Then she said something completely profound, “Mean people are hurting. You need to find out what is hurting her.”
I have carried that statement around with me since that appointment a month ago. It did not take long for that nasty bitch to rear her ugly head, but this time when she did I was prepared, “Why? Why do you talk to me this way? Why do you discourage me? Why are you hurting?”
She paused. I could feel myself take a mental step back. “I’m not hurting. I’m scared.”
“Of what? What could scare you so much that you would be so mean and discouraging to me, to us?”
“Failure.”
That was when I started to cry because I realized it is so, so true. I am so afraid of failing, of not being what I think everyone wants or expects me to be, that I have held myself back from following my dreams.
That bitch and I are coming to terms with one another. She throws out something nasty, and I counter with, “I love you anyway.” When she cries out that she’s scared, I say, “I’ll hold your hand.” When she is worried that we will fail, I respond, “That’s okay. We’ll try again.”
I’m hoping that one day there will be a truce between the two of us, ALL of us. The planner, the worker, the mother, the dreamer, and the bitch. They all make up the committee of me.
I would like to say that I have all the answers. That I know where her fear of failure comes from, but I don’t… not yet. But I do know this, I will not give up on her. Me. I will not give up on me.
That sounds like a huge revelation, and big step forward. Hugs to you, Jennifer. xoxo
It is honestly such a huge step forward for me.
Sounds like you are making excellent progress!
Thanks. It is slow, but steady.
Big hugs, Jennifer. I love your honesty. So many of us know this voice so well. I love this part: She throws out something nasty, and I counter with, “I love you anyway.” When she cries out that she’s scared, I say, “I’ll hold your hand.” When she is worried that we will fail, I respond, “That’s okay. We’ll try again.”
That is the part right there. The every day working on it. It isn’t enough to realize it. I have to work constantly on it.
I’m glad she answered you honestly. My bitch Shirley just rolls her eyes, sucks her teeth.
It is amazing how all of us have so man y inner people (and no, talking to them doesn’t make us crazy. It’s like talking aloud to ourselves and answering. Ain’t nobody else there to tell us the answer, so…) Just keep the communication open, let her tell you without being afraid of how you’ll react. Do NOT yell at her. That bitch Shirley kicked me in my damn temple after I got loud, had a headache for two days.
This is exactly it. I want to find a way to get her in my corner. We all need someone like her in our corner.
Oh honey. First, hugs. And second, that’s brilliant. To get that answer is so powerful and a huge step forward.
I like to think of it this way: it’s not failure, as you say. And it’s not just trying again. It’s an opportunity to keep doing stuff that you enjoy or that helps you learn or that brings you new opportunities. It’s DOING. And doing is good. Doing is life.
Yes. For so long I’ve been waiting and hoping and excusing. I’m tired, so now I’m doing the doing.
I get it. That fear of failure. That inner bitch, saying, you can’t, you can’t, you absolutely can’t. Which is why I chose my word, Do, this year. I’m just going to right ahead and do it anyway. As my Dad used to say, it’s better to try, and fail, than fail to try.
Glad you’re making progress!
Your dad is right on.
That, my friend, is progress! YAY!
It feels like progress.
Love the idea of the committee. That is totally what is in your head. I feel like I am benefitting from your therapy!
Yay! I’ll let her know that at my next appointment.
I guess in a way that is what I am afraid of it. Since I feel I have “failed” in a way after gaining weight back.
But WOW, what a revelation. I really, truly hope you can get her on your side… xo
And also, what Heather said, we all get to have “help” from your therapist – ha!
I think I can get her on my side. We are the same person after all.
So glad that you’ve had a bit of a break through. Talking back to ourselves can be very helpful…if we’re listening.
I’m listening now.