I feel the mattress shift as additional weight is added to it. The covers realign from the cozy position they’ve been in since I went to sleep. A pillow moves ever so slightly.
“Cady, go back to your bed babe.”
“But…”
“No. You have to sleep in your own bed.”
I hear the tears as she slides off the bed, and the mattress sighs as though releasing a sorrowful breath. I understand. I don’t want her to leave either, but I know she must.
So many nights she has lain next to me, cradled in the crook of my arm. So many mornings I’ve awaken to see her face resting next to mine.
But also so many nights one of us has gone without sleep, or not enough. Mostly me.
But it is not just about a good night’s sleep. It is so much more than that.
It is the growing up. The being big. The learning to let go a little at a time. Me of her, and her of me.
As she makes her way back to her room, I turn to face the wall, clutching my pillow closely, willing away the feeling that something is missing. The mattress readjusts to the weight of two instead of three, and I wonder if we will ever not feel empty, the mattress and me, without the weight of three.
Oh hon. Dang this gig is hard. Love to you. xoxo
It can be so, so hard sometimes.
Oh, I’ve so been there. I don’t miss the lack of sleep it causes, but I do miss having him close.
Exactly. I want the sleep and the space, but not the loss.
Some mamas never think on that. We all have something. Not the same thing. But I think a lot of mamas feel really awful and don’t know why when their kids grow up.
I will know why.
I feel you, Jennifer. That weight of three. Or four. LOL. And yes, it’s hard being the one to shoulder fewer hours of sleep….sending hugs & love.
xoxoxo
Yes, sometimes it is four. I guess I should just be glad they grow up a little bit at a time and not all at once.
I am in the middle of sleep training the baby, nearly 9 months old. How I abhor the very phrase! I love co-sleeping, but I also know that in the long run, teaching him to fall asleep on his own, in his own bed, is best for everyone.
This is so hard, this mothering gig. Commiserations. Sigh.
It is so much better to do it early rather than wait. I don’t think I will ever miss the little one being there. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad one. Ask me tomorrow.
Sniff. Just happened here too. Never easy. Erin
It has been happening at my house for awhile. She doesn’t give up easily.
I love sleeping with the kids, but like you said, I am the one that misses out on the sleep. Motherhood is so bittersweet.
It really is.
What a sweet post. I loved sleeping with my kids. Now when my 20 year old comes home from college dad goes to the guest room to give she and I a night to watch movies and snuggle! So we have come full circle! lol You will too.
Sometimes I wonder if she will still want to snuggle with me when she is all grown up, but somehow I have feeling she will.
Very sweet post. I wish they could stay little….but they can’t.
I know. Some days I just wish I could squish them back down to babies.
Oh I know this. I love sleeping with them, but there’s not much sleeping going on. Our problem is that if 1 twin comes in, her sister usually follows, and that’s is WAY too crowded. So instead I go to their room and sleep a couple of hours in one of their beds.
Hugs.
Now that my two share a room that happens with us as well. If he wakes up and his sister isn’t there then he comes into our room crying for her. No fun.
I am right there with you. Oh, except that I have not made G go back to his bed in quite a while!!
Love the way you wrote this.
xo
Well we had gotten into the habit of not sending her back. We are starting over, or starting from the middle anyway.
While we’ve never co-slept, Lil’ Bit does ask to get into bed with us almost every weekend morning (we’re both up way before her on the weekdays). Most of the time we let her clamber on in, but sometimes it’s just too early and we don’t want to set a precedent that will then get earlier and earlier and earlier. So, sometimes we have to turn her away, and it’s pretty heartbreaking. But it’s for her own good, as well as ours. She needs to learn independence. And we need to maintain our space – our bed is a marriage bed, not a family bed. Plus, I cannot sleep when my 3YO is in bed with me – what a wiggle worm!
I would say that is very smart. We never planned to co-sleep, but it ended up that way. I’ve heard for some kids it is an easy habit to break; for us that has not been the case.
I feel for you. My husband and I were just having a discussion about my youngest and when I was going to insist she put herself to sleep at night instead of snuggling her to sleep. We didn’t really see eye to eye on the subject.
And of course she was in bed with us last night because she got too cold in the middle of the night.
One thing that has helped with her creeping into our room in the night is her alarm clock. She likes to wake up to that every morning and use her list of things to do to get ready so she can be independent. She really wants to wake up to that alarm clock so she tries hard to stay in her own bed.
I do admit that the lost sleep is kind of a pain, but waking up with them is very nice.
Yes. The snuggles are very nice, and something about knowing where she is and that she is safe is reassuring. I’m such an enabler (as long as she sleeps next to David).
Sob, sniffle. Love our babies so very much, so very fiercely, don’t we?
So much to love you.
xo
Yes. The love is so, so big.
I still wish Z would come into our bed. On Saturday mornings, we can wind up with everyone there and I don’t mind. But late at night when I can’t sleep, it is the soft steady breathing of a three year old that I really wish was beside me to lull me back to slumber.
Trust me, I understand.
I am so exhausted when one of the kids comes into our room and weasels their way in the bed. But part of me does like the snuggle time. It’s hard to let go of that, and of the “little-ness”.
Yes. Exactly. You know one day they aren’t going to want to climb in with you anymore. That’s what makes it so hard to say no.
You are doing the right thing. Hard as it is, you are. Hug.
I think the right thing is always hard.
You’re a good mama. Much love to you. xo
Thanks. I appreciate it!
I totally feel you on this. My son is three, and every night before I go to sleep, I scoop him up and bring him to bed with me. Because he’s going to wake me anyway. Either way, I don’t get a lot of sleep!
That used to be my justification. “She’ll just wake me up anyway.” But after eight years it gets harder to justify.
I can imagine! I applaud your strength – being strong is hard work.