The scariest thing of all

The “bury my head in the sand” approach is not working, and I know everyone is probably tired of reading about this and just wants to move on with their holidays and think about happy things, but the words… they are finally freeing themselves.

I am devastated by what happened at Sandy Hook. Totally and unbearably devastated. But part of my brain keeps telling me I don’t have the right to be. Those kids were not my babies. BUT they WERE babies. They still believed in Santa Claus and that jumping off the couch into a pile of pillows was flying.

A reader once commented that I have momma in my DNA. I’ll never forget it because it was my most favorite comment ever. And I this is the reason I can not move on. I love kids. Not just mine, but yours too. Even the annoying ones. I would stand with you, linked arm in arm, to stop a freight train from harming your child. And yet… we didn’t stop this from happening.

I don’t know what the answer is… gun control? I don’t see how that would help. Someone determined to see through a violent act will find a way. They’ll just rent a panel truck and buy a shit ton of fertilizer.

But at the same time… do I think part of being a responsible gun owner is limiting these types of weapons from ever being in the hands of someone that would do something like this? Yes, I do.

Do I think we need to focus on mental health issues in this country? Oh my God, YES!!!!

So many questions, but no good answers. So I’m doing what I can. I’m hugging my kids more, and I’m trying not to be frustrated when they whine or sneak too much candy or get out of bed for the seventh time in thirty minutes. I drop them off at school and make them look me in the eyes while I tell them, “I love you,” with an earnestness that I may not have used before, even if that is they way I felt. Because just in case… I need the last thing they hear from me to be that I love them.

Because the truth is the scariest thing of all. We can not keep them safe. We grow them in our bodies and we nurture them and love them and hold them close and take care of them the best way we know how, but then we send them out into the world where bad things happen.

We can’t protect them. And I’m not just devastated. I’m terrified.

Comments

  1. I keep trying to force the fear away but I know it’ll always be there. This fear of the unknown, the unexplainable, the All The Things I Can’t Prevent, the powerlessness outside of knowing I’m doing everything right, everything to keep the bad things at bay…it is too much at times. I have this fear for my children, my family, my coworkers, myself, everyone. Where will the random person be? The subway? The grocery store? Mall? Theatre? School?

    Terrified. And it’s no way to live.
    Arnebya recently posted…I Blame Us AllMy Profile

  2. Last night I couldn’t stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen. I watched a news story about those kids and it just started my mind whirling. I find parenting very scary because I love my kids so much and there is so many WHAT IFS. What if they are hurt? What if I lose them? I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything in this world but sometimes being a mom is the hardest thing in this world because I feel so scared…. I would give my life to bring one of those kids back to their parents. That is the truth. I have lived 38 years. I have had so many experiences they will never have. The one little boy that had special needs. That could have been my Sammy. He wouldn’t have understood that his life was fixing to end. He just would have clung to his teacher too. That image will haunt me forever. I don’t know what the answer is either. I know that it seems like more and more people aren’t taking responsibility for themselves and more and more people do not value human life. I don’t think the government can do anything about that.

  3. I intentionally don’t watch the news or read any news because I just can’t deal with this kind of thing like I used to. It feels so…big, and out of my control.
    Carrie recently posted…Mickey MailMy Profile

  4. I’m numb. Weird stuff makes me cry.

    I don’t think it’ll be okay for awhile.

    I just keep thinking about all those Christmas presents all those moms were so stoked to see their faces on Christmas morning.

    Maybe that’s why I can’t shop.
    Maggie S. recently posted…Nachos and DisappointmentMy Profile

  5. I’m so glad you decided to write.
    Maggie S. recently posted…Nachos and DisappointmentMy Profile