Jennifer P. Williams

100 Things I Love

1. Jesus
2. My family
3. My friends
4. Chickens

5. Christmas Ornaments
6. A fire in the fireplace
7. Jupiter (my oldest’s cat)

8. Pork Gravy
9. Pink and purple morning skies
10. Willie Nelson
11. Singing in the car with my kids
12. Chaperoning school field trips with my teenager (don’t tell anyone)
13. Learning how to draw
14. Painting
15. The smell of clean laundry
16. When James (my 10-year-old) plans and cooks dinner
17. Taking photos
18. Sewing
19. Making lists
20. Shoes
21. Streaming television
22. Listening to my oldest sing show tunes
23. Crunchy peanut butter
24. Gold Peak Diet Tea
25. Inside family jokes

26. My minivan
27. Being the “cool” mom (according to my oldest’s friends, at least what I’ve been told)
28. Kindness
29. Hydrangeas
30. Spring
31. When David cleans the kitchen
32. Baking
33. Giving the perfect gift
34. Making quilts for people I love

35. Coffee
36. An organized pantry
37. Kids of all ages
38. Lady Gaga
39. Marvel movies
40. Strong women
41. Empathy
42. Hugs
43. My youngest’s wit
44. Kids of all ages
45. Games that require human interaction
46. My Kitchenaid mixer (more than I imagined I would)
47. Mashed potatoes
48. Pajamas
49. Cows

50. The color pink (and)
51. P!nk
52. My chalkboard door
53. Cozy blankets
54. Cousin Christmas

55. A good book
56. Going “antiquing”
57. Cinnamon roll cupcakes
58. Christmas trees
59. Little old ladies who help you at the fabric store
60. Dancing
61. Sunshine
62. The lake
63. A sharp pencil
64. Traditions
65. My kids helping/learning with/to cook Thanksgiving dinner
66. Authenticity
67. Listening to my oldest’s middle school choir
68. The painting project I assisted my oldest with over the summer

69. Old houses
70. Barns
71. Dirt Roads
72. Driving to chase away the blues
73. Sherwin Williams paint
74. Cookies
75. Puns
76. Analyzing data
77. Spreadsheets
78. Selling houses
79. Clarity
80. Bad Jokes

81. Learning new things
82. The smell of crayons
83. Passion
84. Fishing
85. Accents
86. My Texas
87. The sound of waves
88. Sleeping with a fan
89. DIY projects
90. Stories, listening and telling
91. Teaching someone how to do something new
92. Teachers and counselors at my kids’ schools who truly care
93. Pumpkin pie
94. Hallmark Christmas movies
95. Mysteries/Thrillers
96. Notebooks (perfect for making lists with sharp pencils)
97. When scissors slice perfectly through wrapping paper
98. When someone goes for a second helping of something I cook
99. A good plan
100. Life

Inspired by Melisa Wells

Is it really about the shoes?

I sent my son to school in shoes today that are too big.

Not too much too big, but just too big enough to make me feel like a somewhat crappy mom.

Yesterday he stepped in mud at school. I told him to put his shoes in the washer when he got home with all of his pants because it is freezing in Texas in November (what’s up with that). I told him I would wash him, but I didn’t know he put the pants in the washer because he didn’t tell me and I didn’t check. This morning I started throwing clothes towels in the washer without looking to see if anything was in there. Then I started the washer. Then it was time to go and he couldn’t find his one pair of shoes and that is when I remembered.

I know he needs another pair of shoes. I’ve known for a while. The ones he has really need to be replaced. But I haven’t done it.

Why? I don’t know. It requires going to the store and spending money. Something I stress over all the time now. I hate doing both.

I haven’t worked a full-time job since March 2017. I don’t know how to be the person that stays at home. The mom who stays at home. The woman who doesn’t work full-time in an office. I miss that.

Does that make me a bad mom? Or does it just make me a mom that forgets about shoes? Do all moms forget about shoes?

Start Over

How do you start over when you don’t know where to start?

The beginning? The middle? You can’t start at the end because you aren’t there yet. Or are you? A type of end anyway. Is life a series of endings and beginnings?

Are you thinking, “That’s some deep shit Jennifer.”? I don’t mean it to be.

Let’s go back to over a year ago, December 2, 2016. It started like any other Friday at work. I woke up, got dressed, took the kids to school, and drove to the office. I don’t remember what I worked on that day. What I do remember is that midway through the afternoon my supervisor came into my office and said she needed to talk to me. I went to her office and that is when she dropped the bomb.

“We need you to resign.”

I thought I heard wrong. “What?”

“We need you to resign.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m sure this comes as a shock. I cannot tell you why, only that it is for the good of the department and is not related to your performance.”

I sat trying to compute her words. None of them made sense. Of course, it wasn’t related to my performance. In six years I never received a bad performance appraisal, the most recent just a few months prior was excellent. Nothing negative was ever said about my work. I only received praise.

She continued, “You know Texas is a right to work state. We don’t have to provide a reason.”

I tried, unsuccessfully, to hold back tears. I could tell she was having a hard time with this too. “I know,” I responded. “I just don’t understand. What did I do?”

“Nothing.”

—

What do you do when you’ve done nothing wrong, but your entire life is uprooted by something when you have zero control?

Recently a friend compared what happened to me to her experience of being dumped by her boyfriend of five years. It came out of nowhere for her too. She thought they would get married. She had planned her life around this idea, even moving to be closer to him.

That is exactly how it feels. I loved my job. I was good at my job. I planned to retire from that job. Now, all of that was gone.

How do you move on from that?

I don’t have the answer. Last year I wrote about being lost in the woods. I still feel that way most days, for more reasons than this one thing. In a span of a few months in 2016, so many things about my life changed. I was uprooted.

At my last appointment, I told my therapist that I’m still so angry and sad about what happened. She gave me permission to feel that way. She said that I may always feel this way because it is unlikely that I will ever have an answer as to why this happened to me. She said it was normal to feel the way I do.

So, at least I’m normal. I guess.

—

A friend posted this by Glennon Doyle on Facebook the other day:

start over

This is me. I feel like I’m being rebuilt into something new. I keep asking God why, and I keep being sent the same Bible verse, “Lean not on your own understanding.” I’m trying very hard to do that.

I’m trying to start over. I’m just not sure how to do it.

Wonder Woman

I took the girls to see Wonder Woman this weekend. It should be noted that I am a HUGE Wonder Woman fan. I had HIGH expectations for this movie. I thought the previews were great and I’ve been waiting MONTHS and MONTHS for this movie to come out. So what did I think?

Wonder Woman Movie

I loved the actress (Gal Gadot) who plays Wonder Woman. I think she was spot on in casting. Cady loved that she “kicked everyone’s butt.” She was definitely a total badass. I think Chris Pine did a great job as Steve Trevor. I LOVE that he is given a run for his money by a woman that doesn’t take no for an answer. Lucy Davis (as Etta) was totally spot on with her lines and takes on the role of more than a secretary. All of the actors did a great job.

However, acting is not the only thing that makes a movie, and when it comes to the behind the scenes stuff (like directing and writing), DC is not Marvel. It seems like the DC franchise does not invest in the same level of talent behind the screen that Marvel does. It wasn’t bad, but I think there were a lot of missed opportunities. The action scenes were great, but I don’t think there were enough of them. Or maybe it was that the non-action scenes were way too long. With a run time of 2 hours and 21 minutes, I felt like this movie went on forever, and the girls said the same thing.

Is it awesome that a woman was the director? Yep. Would some women writers have made a difference? Probably. (Although, I did not have any problems with the story line.) Would it have been better if Joss Whedon had done it? No doubt. Maybe my expectations were too high, or maybe I’ve watched too many Marvel movies recently.

There are a lot of think pieces on the web about the Wonder Woman movie and what it means and all of that, but I don’t get much into that. I just want to see a good movie. Was it worth going to see in the theater? Yeah, I guess. I’m glad I went, but I doubt I purchase it when it comes out on DVD.

Have you seen it? What did you think?

Disgusted and Disillusioned

I am disgusted and disillusioned with so many things right now.

Are there good things? Happy things? Positive things? Yes. Of course there are. But so much of the negative and the bad and the unbelievable seems to be overshadowing anything that is good.

I find myself scrolling quickly through Facebook to bypass all of the things I don’t want to see or read. I’m in search of the happy dog with the flower on his head, the cat running away from the balloon, the videos of happy, smiling babies or cute kids dancing. I’ve been actively seeking out the light that the good parts of life can provide while burying my head in the sand about all of the bad.

Because seriously, what can I do about any of the negative? I feel like I have to face reality. Marching, emailing, calling… what does any of it do? Fall on tone deaf ears. Hearts that don’t care will not listen to the agonizing plight of millions. What is the point?

Yelling about the situation we have found ourselves in until we are hoarse is like pissing into the wind. There has to be another answer. Another way. What is the way?

I’m drowning in a sea of helplessness while listening to the cries of people screaming for aid around me. I feel like I have no help left to give. All I have left to offer are my thoughts and my prayers, and we all know that we can’t feed our children on that. We can’t right wrongs with that.

It is not your job to direct me or guide me to what I should do. It is my job to find my way, but I’m lost in woods that are overwhelming my sense of direction. So I stand here in the midst of the forest that we have planted, vines stretching across the ground and up into the trees, blocking the light. I wander aimlessly, unable to find the path that will lead me out of the darkness.

But still, I search.

I am the 43%

I went to bed last night before the results of the election were announced. I woke up at four and noticed the light was on in the living room. I knew my daughter was awake and was watching the results. I could not force myself out of bed to watch with her. I was too afraid. I was weak.

I finally left my room. I stood in the doorway between the hall and the living room and looked at my husband. He slowly shook his head.

I collapsed in a chair while I cried. “I don’t understand. How did this happen?” My daughter held me while I cried. She is strong.

The rest of the morning I walked around in a stupor muttering, “I don’t understand. What do we do now?”

My daughter stopped me. She took me by the shoulders and stared into my eyes. “We keep fighting.”

I thought about what she said on my way into work. How do we fight this? I wasn’t even sure what had happened at that point. I was still lost in shock and confusion.

Then I saw the exit polls. Then I knew what happened.

electionresults

White people happened. White women happened.

Oh yeah, I know. Not ALL white women. But overwhelmingly, white women voted for Trump.

Maybe you are one of the white women who voted for him. Maybe these results don’t bother you.

I want to make it very clear. THESE RESULTS BOTHER ME.

My heart is breaking for all the marginalized people in this country. The people of color, the disabled, the LGBTQ+, the immigrants, the mentally ill, the poor.

BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

The same question I’ve been asking myself for three years.

I’ve supported. I’ve lent my voice. I’ve learned. I’ve shared. I have followed all of Jasmine’s Waking up White tips.

I want to do something more. I want to do something tangible and visible. I want to make it clear, without any doubts, that I stand for people of color. When someone sees me, I want them to know that I’m an ally, a co-conspirator, a friend.

That is why I created the “I am the 43%” t-shirt campaign. (Or try this link.)

iamthe43percent

All of the profits will be donated to Black Lives Matter. Because money is important, and while I don’t have a lot of it, I can do something to raise it and make sure it gets to the people who can use it. That is the very least I can do.

Today I am sad, I’m worried, and I am scared. But I’m not as sad, worried, or scared as my fellow citizens of color.

I will keep fighting.

43percentig

Exit poll results from CNN.com

Voting

I have voted in every presidential election since I turned 18. Of those seven times, I have only voted early twice. Both of those times were for history making candidates. Both times I felt a sense of joy that I can’t explain.

voting

Weight Loss Surgery – I Did It

Wednesday, October 12th, I had weight loss surgery.

That’s kind of a big statement. Maybe it seems out of the blue if you aren’t friends with me on Facebook and weren’t forewarned. You might have a few questions. Let’s see if I can answer some of them.

Why weight loss surgery?

Well… Because. I know that isn’t the best answer.

You know, if you’ve read my blog for any length of time, that I have struggled with losing weight. I’ve tried to lose weight more times than I can remember, starting in my mid-twenties. I’ve done low fat, low carb, Atkins, plans prescribed by my doctor, Medifast, SlimFast, Nutrisystems, Weight Watchers, Deal-a-Meal… All of these at least twice and several of them many, many more times than that and many other plans that I can’t even remember. On average, I’ve probably dieted once a year for the last 20 years. Nothing ever stuck.

I started off great, lost a little (the most I’ve ever lost on any plan was 35 pounds), then gained it all back, and it brought friends. (Uninvited guests are totally the worst.) Then I tried again. And I failed again. Tried again. Failed Again.

I’m tired of being a failure. I want to lose weight. To do that, I knew that I needed to do something drastic and permanent.

Okay, I hear you, but what makes you think this will work?

That is an excellent question, and harder to answer because it gives voice to that nasty little person in the back of mind who tells me that I will never be successful. (Thanks for that. She loves attention. Please don’t give her anymore. It makes it easier to keep her quiet).

First, I’ve seen the results of other people who have been successful after having weight loss surgery. They were right where I was. Failure after failure, nothing ever worked, but this did. I know that if it worked for them, then I can make it work for me too.

Second, there are some pretty nasty results if you don’t follow the prescribed plan after surgery. Like losing your hair and vomiting when you overeat. I don’t know about you, but those are two things I have no interest in happening. I MUST follow the rules.

Third, I believe that it will. I’m not sure I’ve ever been able to say that about anything else I’ve tried. I believe. I have faith in this and it is giving me faith in myself.

So why weight loss surgery NOW?

I know this probably seems sudden to a lot of people. For me, it isn’t. I’ve actually been thinking about having weight loss surgery for five or six years. I know that advancements have been made with the types of surgery. More and more people I know are having it done and are having huge successes with it.

What nudged me to go for it now? For the last year or two, I’ve dealt with a lot of pain. I had tendonitis in my foot that took over a year to correct. My back and hips have given me tons of problems. Months of visiting the chiropractor offered temporary relief, but no fix. My knees are getting to the point that I was sure I would need a knee replacement within the next few years. All in all, I had a legitimate fear that I would be disabled by the time I was 50. I don’t want to be in a wheelchair.

I’m tired of not being able to walk or bike around my neighborhood with my kids. I’m tired of not being able to walk up a flight of stairs (forget more than one flight). I’m tired of that feeling of panic when I sit in an airplane seat. I’m tired of not being able to participate in activities because of my size or my health or pain. I’m tired of being afraid that I will drop dead from a heart attack or a stroke or that I’ll develop Type 2 Diabetes. I’m tired of being unable. I’m tired of being tired.

I don’t want to be tired anymore.

Those are the reasons I decided to have weight loss surgery.

Five Nights at Freddy’s Birthday Party for Your Tween

Do you know a tween who loves Five Nights at Freddy’s? Have you actually talked to a tween lately? ‘Cause ALL of the tweens in my orbit LOVE it. I’m not sure why, but there is something about the storyline and a purple person and a golden Freddy and trapped children… and I kind of zone out and not really hear anything they are saying after a certain point.

My nephew’s twelveth birthday is in about a week. He was over this weekend and we decided to throw him a little family party to celebrate. I know how much he loves Five Nights at Freddy’s so I thought it would be cool to put together a party for him. The problem? I waited until the last minute to make this decision. I had no time to order anything and nothing is sold locally. (I only found party supplies online at Birthday Express.) My only option was to recruit my daughter and her two friends to help me figure out how to pull off this party.

And we did it. In less than a couple of hours. Now I’m going to share with you how to host a Five Nights at Freddy’s Birthday Party for your tween in three easy steps.

five-nights-at-freddys-birthday-party-for-your-tween

1. Cupcakes

What do you do when it is too late to order a custom made cake? Buy pre-made store bought cupcakes of course. Then you buy these Freddy figurines by Funko and smoosh them down into the frosting. Add candles and you are ready.

five-nights-at-freddys-birthday-party
Make your own Five Night's at Freddy's Birthday Party cupcakes with store bought cupcakes and figurines from Funko.

2. Decorate

How do you decorate for a birthday party when you have no idea what anything is supposed to look like? Google images. We searched for the Five Nights at Freddy’s party room and went from there.

party_room_1

An opalescent tablecloth, iridescent party hats, and confetti got us pretty close (in our opinions).

Use party hats, a tablecloth, and confetti to create the Five Nights at Freddy's party room at your house.

Hang some Five Nights at Freddy’s posters on the walls and “people” garland from the ceiling to complete the look. (Non-animatronic Santa is not necessary, but an animatronic one might add to the festivities.)

five-nights-at-freddys-birthday-party-posters

I used folded silver tissue paper to make the people chain for the garland. We taped the chains together to create a long garland strand (which I impaled with tacks to hold them to the ceiling, seemed appropriate).

five-nights-at-freddys-birthday-party-people-garland

3. Food

When dealing with the delicate palette of tweens, it is important to stick to the mild, unassuming foods they most enjoy — hot fries, Takis, tortilla chips with the hottest hot sauce you can find, pizza rolls, chicken nuggets, and french fries.

five-nights-at-freddys-birthday-party-food

Done! Based on this smile (from the kid who refuses to smile in all photos), I call this party a success!

five-nights-at-freddys-birthday-party-happy-tween
five-nights-at-freddys-birthday-party-blow-out-the-candles

I Know What I Would Do This Summer

I’m slowly trying to get back into writing. The last year (or two) has been rough for me. Maybe I’ll talk more about that later in this space. Right now, I just want to share something. Anything. Thanks to Mama Kat and her writing prompts that is pretty easy to do. Check her out if you need a little inspiration.

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1. List 7 things you would do this summer if you had the time and money to do them.

1. Sleep – Remember those days as a teenager when you slept in until one in the afternoon. Well, I didn’t have many of those because I had to babysit my little brother during the summer, but there were a few. I miss those days. My summer is pretty much like my school year, up every morning to get ready for work. I will say that I have slept in an extra fifteen thirty minutes every morning. When school starts next week, it is going to be rough.

2. Disney World – We went last summer and it was fantastic. I would love for us to be able to go back, but that is not in the cards anytime soon unless I fall into buckets of money.

3. Second Honeymoon – David and I NEVER seem to be able to get away to do things just for the two of us. Part of that is money. The other part is we are exhausted from working all the time and being 47/almost 45. Don’t judge us for our oldish ways.

4. The Lake – I can’t remember the last time we went for a lake trip. It has been awhile. I love to go there. It is peaceful. There is something about nature that makes you feel like everything is going to be okay.

5. Epic Road Trip – I would love to take the kids on a road trip across the country. We could visit all the landmarks and stop in and visit friends who live all over the country.

6. Blockbusters – I would love to take a Friday every week of the summer to see the latest blockbuster. So far this summer we’ve seen Ghostbusters (which is totally freaking awesome), Finding Dory (loved!), the Jungle Book (was that summer?), and Alice Through the Looking Glass (I think I liked the first one better, Cady liked this one). I would have loved to see a few more, like The Secret Life of Pets and the new Star Trek movie and the new Bourne movie and probably a few others.

7. Snuggle – One of the hardest thing about being a working mom in the summer is seeing everyone on Facebook get to do things with their kids (although the best is knowing that not everything is at it appears on Facebook). I miss them more in the summer than I do during the school year. I like to daydream about this idyllic setting in a blanket fort with the three of us snuggled up and watching a movie. In reality I know that Cady would be in her room skyping with her friends, James would be watching something on YouTube, I would be watching Netflix, and I would veto the blanket fort because of the mess. I guess daydreams will have to do.

What would you do this summer?