Every day since we’ve been married, David has kissed me good-bye in the morning. The only time it has not happened is if I was traveling for work or if I left the house before him and forgot to return this act of love. On those days he is quick to remind me of my slip. I will receive a call or text, “You don’t want to kiss me good-bye? I love you.”
When I was pregnant with Cady, I was diagnosed with a herniated disk in my back. I was only allowed to drive for short periods of time, and since my job was an hour or more from home (depending on traffic), I was not allowed to work. I was basically confined to our house. The horrendous pain also made it hard for me to sleep. I would eventually drift off in the early morning hours and then sleep as late as possible because I did not have anywhere to be.
Still, every morning, David would wake me up, tell me he loved me, and kiss me good-bye. This drove me crazy. Every night before bed I would beg, “Please let me sleep. Please don’t wake me up.”
Rinse. Wash. Repeat. Every day.
When I would ask why he would not just let me sleep, he would respond, “Because I love you.”
Even though I fell back asleep as soon as the ritual was over, this made no sense to me. If he loved me why would not he let me get the rest I so desperately needed? Why disturb my hard-earned sleep? Why, every single morning, did he have to do the same thing? Was he trying to torture me? Was he lying when he said that he loved me? The thoughts of the pregnant woman often travel the path of the delusional.
It has taken me 24 years to realize that the good-bye kiss was not, is not, for me. It is for him.
We all have anxieties and fears and what ifs. He would never admit it, but I would imagine that David’s is the fear that something may happen during the day. What if one of us does not return home in the evening? What if that good-bye is the last one?
I hope it never is. I hope that we live to a very old age together. I hope that we die peacefully in our sleep wrapped in each other’s arms. But if that is not the case, I will always know that I was loved beyond imagination, and that I was kissed good-bye.